So the other night was a hard one...I haven't let things pile up on me for a long time!  But it became overwhelming and I just had to curl up wrapped in a large quilt  and hide in my closet.  I cried for about an hour, I pleaded with God to give me answers.  I bargined with him, "If only I could hear the words!" maybe the pain could diminish... the next morning at work... a total stranger came up to me and said everything I longed to hear!  I was stunned!  I couldn't believe my ears, or my answers to his questions... Are you lonely?  "Not really" (LIE), Don't you want to date someone?  Have a boyfriend?  (LIED AGAIN)... When he looked me straight in the eyes and said "But I might never see you again." I was confronted with a long ago pain.  He then repeated his statement like I had not heard it the first time.  His words ripped through my soul..."But I might never see you again." I was wrong................... the right words must come from the right guy or they mean nothing.  I hate that I can not escape the memories, the pain and the sorrow.  I long for the day when I can put these feelings back into that little box, where I have hid them for so long .

First I want to thank Tony for being an inspiration to me and so many others in God's name!  You rock!  Last night your facebook status got me thinking.   For those who didn't read it ...it was about how we are commanded to love ourselves first before we can understand how to love others. (forgive the paraphrase).  I thought about that for a long time.  See I believe it's not that people don't or can't find it in themselves to love.  It is perhaps that they have been raised to do for others.  Notice I said do and not love.  I know that in my past I have devoted most of my life doing for others.  Sometimes it was for love, but most of the time it was done because of a sense of duty.  We get so overwhelmed with trying to be good people in the eyes of others that we fail to see things clearly.  I think that it is so easy to become tied to the action and not doing it out of the sense of compassion that we just don't think about why we do things.  This all ties into the thought that we need to love ourself first.  See mom's know that they can loose themselves with all the things that they have to do for their children, husbands, jobs, church, you name it (I guess this goes for guys too).  We get so caught up in making everyone else's life good , that we neglect our own.  What we need is to find the balance.  After many years of seeking, I feel like drawing closer to God is the only way to find myself and have the right sense when it comes to dealing with others.  It pulls me into a real relationship of unconditional love that I can share with others no matter what they (or I ) have said or done in the past.  I know that I am truly loved and in turn I can truly love others.  Think about it for a minute...do you love because there is something you want in return?  If you love out of a sense of desire (for you) then it isn't God's kind of love.  True love is about wanting to love someone even if they will never love you.  Now that's unconditional! 

Today at church ,Frank in his meditation time talked about the unleaven bread and the wine(prob. grape juice  unfermented).  Something struck me, prob. because I had heard similar thoughts in church before, but my mind began to wander and think about why these two things were chosen.  In the normal day to day life in those times as in the here and now bread is something that hasn't changed that much (except for the bleached flour ect), but the process of making bread is somewhat the same... I have made bread from scratch before and it is a time consuming process.  Lets just say that in order for the bread to be really good it must go through a process of rising and being beaten down many times.  This process helps to create texture and get the large air bubbles out.  (Sort of like what happens in our day to day lives...refining).  But I digress, the thoughts that struck a chord in my mind was why unleaven... this process is quick and no time is needed to prepare or bake, it just is made and tossed into the fire.  I have been told that it was because it was made during the Sabbath and the thought was that it was made in a hurry and no though was given to it, but to God.  Thought:  do we spend so much time preparing for something that we get caught up in the plans... and not God?  Are we so busy with making the bread that we forget that we are suppose to be prepared for the Master to return?